I took Saturday "off" and resumed shady operations Sunday night with Secret Shiksa. SS is one of those JDate-subscribing non-Jews, only with a Jewish-sounding last name and legitimately Jewish-looking face/body/ass. We'd gone for drinks mid-week at my go-to-bar in the East Village. After some shots of Patron and a few pints we got quite friendly in the back of the bar. With one hand up her shirt and the other down the back of her jeans, I figured it was time to relocate. But my attempt to get invited back to her place failed miserably. As did my offer for her to "check out my office." So we parted ways, thus requiring another hangout. I texted her Sunday afternoon.
scrabble & 40s/boxed wine?
sure - where are we doing this?
su casa :)
haha not quite.
por que no?
Apparently Secret Shiksa had a slightly awkward roommate situation. I assured her it couldn't possibly be more awkward than living with your AARP card-carrying parents. Oh, how wrong I was. But after some sweet-talking SS acquiesced and I was off to Manhattan again.
I found a parking spot close to her building and decided it was a good omen for the evening. She buzzed me inside, gave me a kiss in the hallway, and instructed me to take a deep breath.
"You sure you're ready for this?"
"Ready for what? How weird can it be?"
As I entered the apartment I immediately noticed two things. Firstly, this was not a typical twentysomething's place. It was huge, nicely decorated, and furnished in a way that suggested it was
lived in. Like, for years. Secondly, there were two old people playing cards on a table in the common room. I shouldn't say old because I eventually found out the woman was only in her mid-forties. But the guy was definitely old, as in he could've been SS's father old. I was confused. Were these the roommates? Did Secret Shiksa live with her parents, too?
"Hi, I'm Has-Been!" the woman called out. She had one of those faces that was probably attractive twenty years ago. She was also wearing one of the most hideous sweat suits I've ever seen.
"And I'm Dustin," the old guy chimed in. He bore a striking resemblance to Dustin Hoffman.
SS and I joined them on the couch.
"What are you guys playing?" I asked, trying to ingratiate myself. God knows why.
Apparently they were playing Rummy and it was very serious business. Dustin was winning and Has-Been seemed none too pleased. As his lead in the game grew, Has-Been quickened the chugging of her Corona. When she finished it she got up and went into the kitchen to refill. It was then I realized what she was wearing. At first I thought it was some ugly sweat suit. Nope. She had on an adult-sized pair of those feety pajamas. Dustin finally won and it seemed like they were heading out, thank heavens, so SS and I set up Scrabble on the table and began playing. Unfortunately, their exit was merely a tease and they decided to stick around and cockblock, I mean play Chinese Checkers. I guess Sunday night is game night in The Twilight Zone.
To her credit, Secret Shiksa wasn't a bad Scrabble player, even though she claimed she hadn't played in years. Meanwhile, Has-Been and Dustin were spread out on the floor, Chinese Checkering, occasionally asking me random questions.
Has-Been: "So what do you do?"
I told her, then returned the question.
Has-Been: "Oh...I don't really do anything!"
Dustin: "Hey, how do you feel about turtles?"
Me: "What? Umm...I had a Chinese Box Turtle when I was a kid..."
Dustin: "You're a nice young man. Do you know that?"
So Dustin won again and, again, it seemed like they were heading out. But this time it was for real. Has-Been slipped her pajamaed feet into a pair of boots and threw a long coat over the ensemble. They claimed they were going for a walk. As soon as they left I turned to SS and gave her a
WHAT THE FUCK look. She began explaining immediately.
"Okay...when I decided to move into the city I went on Craig's List looking for roommates. Well, Has-Been posted that she needed one so I went to check it out. I loved the place and yeah, she seemed a little crazy but how bad could it be?"
"So what does she really do all day? She can't actually do
nothing," I interrupted.
"No...that was accurate. She does NOTHING. She lies around getting hammered and watching Netflix. She's basically living off all the money she made back in the day. She was a model and an actress - pretty famous actually. Her full name is....and she was in...."
"Holy shit - I totally know her! I think I might've even jerked off to her! Shut up - that is not her! Oh my god it is..."
All of a sudden the door flew open and Has-Been stomped back into the apartment. Speak of the devil! Apparently, Dustin decided to take a cab to his "other" girlfriend's place at some point along their walk. She seemed slightly rattled, cracked open another Corona, and retreated upstairs to her bedroom. Secret Shiksa and I packed up Scrabble (I won 302-230) and started hooking up on the couch. This time, when my hand found its way down her pants, I was invited into her room. She practically threw me onto the bed and we started going at it. The hook-up was really good, especially the BJ. But my mind kept wandering up the flight of steps to Has-Been's quarters...
As I was getting ready to leave, Has-Been actually came down to use the bathroom. The feety pajamas were gone. In their place? A bra and underwear. Her leggy figure hadn't changed much.
"Oh I'm so sorry - I didn't realize you were still here!" she apologized.
"No it's cool, I'm on my way out. Hey thanks again for letting us play Scrabble here."
"Anytime...it was really nice meeting you!" she said with a smile, then darted into the bathroom.
SS made me promise to text her when I got home, which I did. Unfortunately though, I have absolutely no desire to see her again. But...if I was able to parlay it into some shenanigans with a certain former-model/actress, current-nutjob/wacko...I think I would.
The Sexonomics
Gas: $8 each trip x 2 = $16
Drinks at bar: $50
Large Coke at McDonalds to stay awake during drive home: $2
Total cost: $68
