Sexonomics: the Arithmetics of Ass

A Belated Recap Of Last Weekend - Part One

2008-03-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

Sometime last week I received a surprising email. It was a Facebook friend request from a girl I hadn't spoken to in well over a year. Originally, we met off JDate and hooked up for a few weeks until I eventually discovered she was a virgin. For whatever reason, she really liked me and wanted me to be the one. I know some guys are into that but it's the opposite for me. I'd rather a girl had been with 100 guys than 0. So I politely declined, urged her to lose it to someone else, and then get back to me. Virginface ended up dating some dude for a few months but after they broke up we did ultimately have sex. I remember feeling slightly repulsed by the act and we didn't talk for awhile. She deleted me as a Facebook friend, blocked me on AIM, took my number out of her phone, the whole deal. As time went on I'd occasionally shoot her a random 2 A.M. text if I was looking for shelter in Manhattan on a Saturday night. None of those were fruitful. So to make a long story short, this email was completely out of nowhere.

Naturally I accepted and then inquired about the sudden change of heart. Virginface cited a surge in maturity, that she'd gotten over everything between us, etc. I didn't believe a word of it. I think she needed dick. But that's what I'm good at. For 30 seconds anyway. So we made plans to hang out last Friday night. She's from Long Island originally so she was going home after work and then we'd play Scrabble and drink 40s at my house. The catch? I had to pick her up. Well, it was disgusting last Friday - torrential rains, high winds. I had zero desire to drive. So I texted her that afternoon:

Hey - had some car issues this morning. Do you remember where I live? You need to get behind the wheel.

Virginface must've needed it badly because she agreed immediately. She also rattled off my exact address, which was a little frightening.

When she showed up that night she looked good; she'd lost a some weight and the monsoon didn't deter her from dressing up to play Scrabble. I was too lazy to even buy 40s. There was a years-old bottle of White Zinf in our basement that someone must've brought for a party and nobody ever drank. I poured two glasses, shooed her into my room, and we started playing Scrabble. She conceded mid-game and we went at it. Nothing story-worthy, really. Afterwards she asked me about my car issues.

"Well, the car and I voted on whether we should pick you up. I voted yes but the car voted no. Since it was a tie we flipped a coin. The car won. I'm sorry."

"You are SUCH an ASSHOLE!"

I started passing out and she took that as her cue to leave. Since then, Virginface has sent me a few emails, texts, and calls - none of which I have reciprocated. I fully expect to be deleted from her life again in the near future.

The Sexonomics:

Condoms: $5 (I finished a pack here so I'm adding it to this girl, even though it's really only 1/3)

Total Cost: $5

IM Exchange With Random Former Flame About My Libido (Informative)

2008-03-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

randomformerflame: Your Libido Explained
TheSexonomist: haha so basically i'm a lower life form

randomformerflame: apparently. thought you'd appreciate the read.

TheSexonomist: how hilarious would that actually be

TheSexonomist: like, there's no psychological explanation

TheSexonomist: i'm just less evolved

TheSexonomist: i'm pretty hairy

TheSexonomist: it would make sense

randomformerflame: that would make me feel better about things

TheSexonomist: hahaha

IM Exchange With Terrible

2008-03-06T11:42:00.000-08:00

Terrible: i was thinking about your blog

Terrible: while driving home last night

TheSexonomist: and....

Terrible: the bottom part

Terrible: the sexonomics
Terrible: ok so economics

Terrible: isnt just cost

Terrible: of sex

Terrible: money wise

Terrible: but other things

Terrible: i think you should include Hours

Terrible: the opporunity cost

Terrible: your time should be a statistic

Terrible: also the final product- we are studying the cost and consumption of this good/service

Terrible: how good was the final product

Terrible: should sex be given a grade

Terrible: because paying $50 for bad sex

Terrible: is not = to paying $50 for great sex

Terrible: so there should be a grade maybe

TheSexonomist: i like both the thoughts

TheSexonomist: only thing is

TheSexonomist: i dont know if i've ever told you this

TheSexonomist: but sex is basically always the same for me

TheSexonomist: i really don't care how good or bad it is

Terrible: well then

TheSexonomist: all i want is for it to happen so i can get out and move on most of the time

Terrible: really

TheSexonomist: which is how we know i have a serious problem haha

Terrible: you dont actually enjoy the act

TheSexonomist: nope, not really

Terrible: we have a gigantic issue here

Terrible: you dont just like digging heels in

Terrible: and beating it up sometimes?

Terrible: knowing girl is probably not going to walk tomorrow

Terrible: doesnt give you satisfaction?

TheSexonomist: nah, not so much

Terrible: ok back to sexonomics

Terrible: i think you should include

Terrible: Time

Terrible: and Grade

Terrible: although it might be the same for you

Terrible: you know, whats better?

Terrible: girl just lays there?

Terrible: or one that tries to get thrown up against a wall and is screaming you hung jew at you while you are smashin it up?

Terrible: or

Terrible: if you dont want to grade sex

Terrible: grade the girl

Terrible: what did she look like?

Terrible: how was her personality?

Terrible: was she RICH?

Terrible: big boobies?

Terrible: shaved coochie?

Terrible: your grading criteria for the girl can be

Terrible: 1. looks 2. personality 3. sex 4. intangibles

TheSexonomist: personality is meaningless

TheSexonomist: sex is mostly meaningless

TheSexonomist: at this point it's all looks/intangibles

TheSexonomist: b/c it's about the conquest

TheSexonomist: like if i banged has-been that would be completely absurd

TheSexonomist: high intangibles

Terrible: wait, sex cant be meaningless

Terrible: its called SEXonomics

Terrible: people care about that

Terrible: whether you do or not

TheSexonomist: i like a good bj

Terrible: ur right personality is meaningless

TheSexonomist: i might turn this into a post

An Epic Weekend in Review, Part 2

2008-03-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

I took Saturday "off" and resumed shady operations Sunday night with Secret Shiksa. SS is one of those JDate-subscribing non-Jews, only with a Jewish-sounding last name and legitimately Jewish-looking face/body/ass. We'd gone for drinks mid-week at my go-to-bar in the East Village. After some shots of Patron and a few pints we got quite friendly in the back of the bar. With one hand up her shirt and the other down the back of her jeans, I figured it was time to relocate. But my attempt to get invited back to her place failed miserably. As did my offer for her to "check out my office." So we parted ways, thus requiring another hangout. I texted her Sunday afternoon.

scrabble & 40s/boxed wine?

sure - where are we doing this?

su casa :)

haha not quite.

por que no?

Apparently Secret Shiksa had a slightly awkward roommate situation. I assured her it couldn't possibly be more awkward than living with your AARP card-carrying parents. Oh, how wrong I was. But after some sweet-talking SS acquiesced and I was off to Manhattan again.

I found a parking spot close to her building and decided it was a good omen for the evening. She buzzed me inside, gave me a kiss in the hallway, and instructed me to take a deep breath.

"You sure you're ready for this?"

"Ready for what? How weird can it be?"

As I entered the apartment I immediately noticed two things. Firstly, this was not a typical twentysomething's place. It was huge, nicely decorated, and furnished in a way that suggested it was lived in. Like, for years. Secondly, there were two old people playing cards on a table in the common room. I shouldn't say old because I eventually found out the woman was only in her mid-forties. But the guy was definitely old, as in he could've been SS's father old. I was confused. Were these the roommates? Did Secret Shiksa live with her parents, too?

"Hi, I'm Has-Been!" the woman called out. She had one of those faces that was probably attractive twenty years ago. She was also wearing one of the most hideous sweat suits I've ever seen.

"And I'm Dustin," the old guy chimed in. He bore a striking resemblance to Dustin Hoffman.

SS and I joined them on the couch.

"What are you guys playing?" I asked, trying to ingratiate myself. God knows why.

Apparently they were playing Rummy and it was very serious business. Dustin was winning and Has-Been seemed none too pleased. As his lead in the game grew, Has-Been quickened the chugging of her Corona. When she finished it she got up and went into the kitchen to refill. It was then I realized what she was wearing. At first I thought it was some ugly sweat suit. Nope. She had on an adult-sized pair of those feety pajamas. Dustin finally won and it seemed like they were heading out, thank heavens, so SS and I set up Scrabble on the table and began playing. Unfortunately, their exit was merely a tease and they decided to stick around and cockblock, I mean play Chinese Checkers. I guess Sunday night is game night in The Twilight Zone.

To her credit, Secret Shiksa wasn't a bad Scrabble player, even though she claimed she hadn't played in years. Meanwhile, Has-Been and Dustin were spread out on the floor, Chinese Checkering, occasionally asking me random questions.

Has-Been: "So what do you do?"

I told her, then returned the question.

Has-Been: "Oh...I don't really do anything!"

Dustin: "Hey, how do you feel about turtles?"

Me: "What? Umm...I had a Chinese Box Turtle when I was a kid..."

Dustin: "You're a nice young man. Do you know that?"

So Dustin won again and, again, it seemed like they were heading out. But this time it was for real. Has-Been slipped her pajamaed feet into a pair of boots and threw a long coat over the ensemble. They claimed they were going for a walk. As soon as they left I turned to SS and gave her a WHAT THE FUCK look. She began explaining immediately.

"Okay...when I decided to move into the city I went on Craig's List looking for roommates. Well, Has-Been posted that she needed one so I went to check it out. I loved the place and yeah, she seemed a little crazy but how bad could it be?"

"So what does she really do all day? She can't actually do nothing," I interrupted.

"No...that was accurate. She does NOTHING. She lies around getting hammered and watching Netflix. She's basically living off all the money she made back in the day. She was a model and an actress - pretty famous actually. Her full name is....and she was in...."

"Holy shit - I totally know her! I think I might've even jerked off to her! Shut up - that is not her! Oh my god it is..."

All of a sudden the door flew open and Has-Been stomped back into the apartment. Speak of the devil! Apparently, Dustin decided to take a cab to his "other" girlfriend's place at some point along their walk. She seemed slightly rattled, cracked open another Corona, and retreated upstairs to her bedroom. Secret Shiksa and I packed up Scrabble (I won 302-230) and started hooking up on the couch. This time, when my hand found its way down her pants, I was invited into her room. She practically threw me onto the bed and we started going at it. The hook-up was really good, especially the BJ. But my mind kept wandering up the flight of steps to Has-Been's quarters...

As I was getting ready to leave, Has-Been actually came down to use the bathroom. The feety pajamas were gone. In their place? A bra and underwear. Her leggy figure hadn't changed much.

"Oh I'm so sorry - I didn't realize you were still here!" she apologized.

"No it's cool, I'm on my way out. Hey thanks again for letting us play Scrabble here."

"Anytime...it was really nice meeting you!" she said with a smile, then darted into the bathroom.

SS made me promise to text her when I got home, which I did. Unfortunately though, I have absolutely no desire to see her again. But...if I was able to parlay it into some shenanigans with a certain former-model/actress, current-nutjob/wacko...I think I would.

The Sexonomics

Gas: $8 each trip x 2 = $16
Drinks at bar: $50
Large Coke at McDonalds to stay awake during drive home: $2

Total cost: $68

An Epic Weekend in Review, Part 1

2008-03-03T07:51:00.000-08:00

It began Friday night when I drove out to see Hooker Dorothy. Here's the backstory on her. She's in college and lives in a dorm. The first time we hung out I brought Scrabble and 40's of Coors Light over. After we played we hooked up a little in the common room of her suite. Nothing really happened though because she has three roommates and actually SHARES a bedroom with one of them. The second time happened a few nights later. She was in Manhattan for the weekend visiting her sister and I talked her into taking the Long Island Railroad back to my town instead of back to school. The plan was we'd watch the Oscars and I'd drive her back afterwards. As I watched Hooker Dorothy descend the staircase from the overhead platform I did a double-take. She was wearing a red coat, a tight black dress, and these red, sparkly high heeled shoes that looked exactly like the ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz. I wasn't even 100% sure it was her until she climbed into my car.

"Wow - you get pretty dressed up to ride the train," I teased.

"Shut up...we went out to dinner before I left!"

"Cool. Oh, by the way - if at any point you get bored tonight, just click your heels three times and you'll be teleported back to your dorm..."

"FUCK YOU!"

We drove back to my house. Meanwhile, I'd instructed my parents to hide in their room for a little bit so I could shuttle HD in without them meeting. I turned on the Oscars but we didn't watch very much of it. Before long our clothes were off but there was a snag. Yes, it was that time of the month. I tried sticking my dick in her face but that didn't seem to work so I started teasing her. Not verbally. I mean, I took out a jar of Bath & Body Works massage cream and started rubbing up her legs, stopping just short of the bloody mess. After a bit of that I tried the stick-my-dick-in-the-face move again. Success! She gave a decidedly above-average BJ, too. I drove her back to school and somehow avoided falling asleep at the wheel.

At some point HD insinuated that her roommates all disappear over the weekends. Well, that was all I needed to hear. On Friday night I picked her up and took her to the movies. While not watching the Oscars, it somehow came up in conversation she hadn't seen any of the big films of this past year. I actually hadn't seen There Will Be Blood and really wanted to so I dragged her to it, even though it wasn't exactly a cinematic aphrodisiac. Afterwards, we went back to the roommate-less suite. Sure enough, it was deserted. This time no period, no last minute resistance. There was only one problem- elevated, twin beds. I almost fell off a handful of times while we were rolling around and spooning afterwards was virtually impossible, let alone sleeping. But HD had a death grip around me that let me know I wasn't going anywhere. Somehow I managed to pass out but woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep. So what did I do? I jumped out of her bed, climbed into the absent roommate's, and took off in the morning while HD was still groggy. To be continued...

The Sexonomics

Gas: $8 each trip x3 = $24
Coors Light 40's: $7
Tickets to There Will Be Blood: $21

Total cost: $52

Let's Get It Started (In Here)

2008-02-29T12:16:00.000-08:00

Shalom! I'm a Jewish, twentysomething male, living in NY and working in the Arts. I'm also fucking nearly everything with a vagina that moves.

Earlier this week I was poking around on one of my favorite new websites, NoMarriage, and was reading a post titled "Fucking decent mid-priced whores twice a week is a lot less expensive than a wife." While I didn't put much credence or thought into that particular debate, I did start pondering exactly what amount of cash I spend trying to hook up with girls. I assumed it was a lot, but how much? That's the superficial thing this blog will attempt to calculate.

As I chronicle each potential conquest I'll tally the various expenditures that were required - JDate memberships, bar tabs, movie tickets, gas...

Gas? You have a car in Manhattan?

Nope.

I live in Long Island with my parents.